Blog Post

Have you were watched Behind the Music on VH1? Well, the show actually discusses different music superstars. It shows what that superstar went through while producing wonderful music. Some of the people were molested as a child, on drugs while creating good music, or something horrible was happening to them while they were on the rise to stardom. So, I began to think about my life and how I am on my own journey to achieve my goals and dreams. I also felt like if those superstars could go through what they went through and they still made it, then I should be able to do it to. But I also realized that each person, at some point in time, came to grips with their demons and decided to let it go and move forward. Some of them changed for the better and some of them remained in the same place, but they all came to grips with their demons. By coming to grips with the things that they were ashamed of they were free to forgive themselves or others, but it also opened up their hearts to receive what the world has to offer them.

So, I began to think about what is behind my music (journey)? What demons am I holding on to because I am ashamed or because I just feel like I have to hold on to them? And there is one big demon (stronghold) that I have been holding on too, one demon that has been causing me to question if I deserve what God has in store for me and my family. So, what’s behind my music is the fact that I had an abortion 3 years ago. Some might say why did I do that and other might understand, but the reality of it all is that I made the choice to abort a pregnant because I did not feel that I was ready for a child. During that time me and my boyfriend, now husband, where fighting all the time and I thought that we were going to break up. How could I have a baby with someone that might not be in my life forever? I am a product of a single parent family, and it was hard growing up with just a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother because she raised me and took care of me. But I have always missed that father daughter connection. I have always felt like I wasn’t good enough because my daddy did not want me and I did not a child of mine to ever feel like that. So, me and Lee talked bout it and we both decided that the best thing for us to do would be to have an abortion.

The count down to my big day continues. On Day 6 I just really tied up some loose ends. I got all of my make-up and I picked up my items from Things Remembered.  it took me almost an hour and a half to pick out make-up. Oh my God, I am so not a girly-girl. I remember in college how I was able to just pick out stuff like that and not be worried about how it will look. I am actually worried about how I am going to look with make-up on. Am I going to look natural, as that is the look I am going for, or will I look like a clown.

 I am still not as excited as I thought I would be, and people keep asking me if I am excited or nervous. Should I be nervous, and how excited should I be? Being that I have never done this before how excited should I be is the question that I am seeking an answer to. Am I weird because I am just like whatever about the whole thing? Don’t get me wrong I love Lee, and he makes me want to be better and do better; I just  don’t get why I should be nervous.

Well, let’s see what happens in the days to come. I am very blessed to have someone that loves me so much that they want to spend the rest of their life with me. Until next time, I’ll holla.

Day 8 was an interesting day. Another one of my coworkers found out that I am getting married, and she was very surprised. This coworker is a lady that is from the old school, so the next comment she made to me was; “I believe in  death do us part so if I get you a wedding gift I don’t want you to return it to me.” I started laughing, and then she told me that I better learn how to cook for that man. Then I told her that my mother was no longer living, so I will not be able to get her recipes. I then told her that I can get the recipes from my cousin. She then told me that I better get on that.

Then on my way home I was listening to Jamie Fox’s song, I Wish You Were Here. I then started to think about all of the things my mother has missed: my graduation from chiropractic school, my graduation from Joseph Business School, and now my wedding ceremony. I then got sad because I realized that she has missed and will miss every important part of my adult life. Maybe that is way I am not that excited about this milestone because me very best friend will not be here to see it. I miss her so much, that sometimes I think that I just don’t do stuff because I miss her. I really do miss her and I really wish she was here.

That was day 8, so let me know what you think. Until next time, I am out.

I didn’t take the watch from my co-worker because it didn’t fit around my wrist. So, at Day 9 I am still looking for something borrowed and new. I am also amazed that someone wants to marry me. I think that it is awesome and amazing that God made me for Lee and Lee for me. You know that old saying, that there is someone for everyone, well that statement is true. Because there is someone for us all; we just have to be patient. We also have to learn how to truly love ourselves.  God loves both of us (Lee and myself) so much that He made us for each other. As the day gets closer, I am realizing that I will soon be a wife. I will soon have a partner for life.

But as nice as that sounds, I am wondering if it is normal to be scared? Let me hear what you have to say as I continue to count down to the big day.

Well, I have 11 more days to go until I am Dr. Jeanine Smith. And you guys might want to know am I getting cold feet yet, and the answer is no. I am getting excited. So, what happened on day 11? Well, some of my coworkers were trying to give me ideas on what I can get for something borrowed and something new. Some of the suggestions that were given to me were a watch and some earrings, but I have a watch and earrings. So, I showed my coworkers my watch, and they all felt that I needed a fancier watch. So, they decided to bring in their watches so I could pick form them and borrow it. Isn’t that nice. My coworkers care that much about me that they want me to wear their watch.

I feel so special and loved, some of my own family members don’t care that much. Even if I don’t pick one of the watches they show me, I am so thankful to have coworkers like them. Well, continue to follow me on the count down to my big day. See if I actually use the watch or not. See you tomorrow.

Well, as you can tell from the title of this post I am now counting down the days of my engagement; 12 more days until I am Dr. Jeanine Smith.  During the period of my engagement I have learned a lot about myself, my husband-to-be, and marriage as a whole. This period has been stressful, but I have so enjoyed the courtship period (the boyfriend and girlfriend stage); but I must say I am looking forward to our next phase. I won’t go into a long drawn out lesson of how I was feeling, how he was feeling, or how others around us felt; but I will say that communication is indeed to most important part of any relationship. Out of everything that I have experienced during this phase of my life, (sex or no sex, spending time or not, making dinner for him or not, etc.) communication was and will continue to be the top priority of the relationship. Without steady communication all the other elements of the relationship will fall to the wayside.

So, I would like to just updated you on what I have accomplished concerning the details of our upcoming big day. If you all don’t know, Lee and I will be getting married on June 24, 2011 at 12:30pm. The ceremony will be small and intimate, nevertheless planning it was still a little stressful. Anyway, I have my dress, shoes, jewelry, hair accessories, the cake, the restaurant venue, his suit, his shoes, his wedding gift, the favors, and the place where the ceremony will take place. I also have our wine glasses and cake cutter and server. So, I have done a lot in a short time. But I still need make-up, whitening stripes for my teeth, some sexy sleepwear, and my nails need to be done. I have my something old, and blue. I don’t have something borrowed or new yet. We also have our rings and they are so beautiful.

So, please join me on my count down to Jeanine and Lee’s Big Day. The theme of our day is “Two Becoming One.” And I believe that it is a fitting theme, because God designed us the become on with our mates. However, we must allow the transition to take place through God being the head and communicating with each other. Let’s count down together. So, if you have any advise or last minute suggestions please let me know. The count down has began-12 days to go.

The last we met I was discussing some of the things that I feel ashamed about and why I am learning to let it go, forgive myself, and move forward. During my daily readings of God’s word, I am realizing that shame is a tool of the enemy to cause people to remain stuck in a situation that is causing the person to feel hopeless. The enemy does not want any of us to realize who we are or the purpose that God has for our lives. And that is what I believe has kept me in the situation that I am in. Let me be clear, the Lord has blessed me and protected for a lot of issues that could have occurred. But the situation that I am in now is not the best that God has for me, and I am not walking in my calling or purpose that God has for me. So, with all that being stated the next topic of discussion is my house. I don’t really like to have company over because I feel that my house is not as presentable as it should be. I grew up in a house that was always presentable and decorated so nicely, but it was simple. I grew up with a mother who was a very clean person, therefore, her house was very clean. She worked very hard to make sure that her home was a home and that it was always presentable. So, I feel that I have some big shoes to fill and I don’t think that I am half way filling them. My house is not dirty or messes, but I just feel like it could look better. But I am not sure how to get it to look like the way I think it should look.

So, someone might ask, how do I think it should like? That is a good question, and I would have to say that I think it should look homey and comfortable. The home should be a place of clam and peace, a place where you can go to get away from the rough world and just be. My house is homey, and it can be comfortable at times, but as far as that other factors, I believe that I don’t have it down pack yet. So, let me be a little more transparent. My house has a lot of clutter in it because I don’t have a lot of space. I have a lot of books and clothes and stuff. I need a new bed because the one that I currently have is just about to give out, but on a good note I have a bed and I have a roof over my head. Some people don’t even have a place to lay their heads at night. Like I stated earlier, the situation that I am in is just not God’s best for me.

So, shame has crept into my life and that shame has caused me to isolate myself from people that love and care about me. But God’s word says that the last shall be the first, and that I am the head and not the tail. So, I know that the situation that I am in is an opportunity for me to learn and grow, and allow God to prepare me for my calling and His best. How can I take care of a bigger house if I can’t take care of the current house that I have now. So, I must forgive myself for falling short in some areas concerning my house and learn how to be grateful for what God has given me thus far. Being grateful is the way you can ensure that shame does not come into your life, and it will open up your heart to receive more.

So, with all that being stated, I have realized that my house is my house and it is only as comfortable as I make it. Yeah, I can make some improvements on it, and give some stuff away; but at the end of the day this is the house that the Lord has blessed me with and I is my job to watch over it in the best way that I can. So, I am learning to just let it go, be grateful, stay prayerful, and God will  do the rest. Because the best is yet to come. I hope this has inspired you to just let whatever may be causing you shame go; just let it go. Because being ashamed causes you to miss out on the best that God has for you. Let me know what you think or what has caused you shame; together we can make a change and cause a change.