The Source

Philippians 4:19 (NIV): And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

The above scripture has become a foundation scripture for me this year and I will explain to you why. As most of you guys know last year was a very hard year for me, I experienced a lot of lost, pain, and self realization. So this year I told myself that I MUST be honest and truthful with myself, no matter how painful it may be. Because you can’t heal what you can’t talk about, and in order for me to heal the broken places in my soul I must face the pain, and forgive myself and all of the people that may have hurt me. Well, let’s get started with me facing the truth about myself, and being transparent to you all. A lot of people may wonder why I am doing this and the answer is – I want you all to know that you are not alone. I hope that by me sharing my personal mistakes that maybe you guys will see yourself and learn from what I did wrong, so you can take a different path.

I started back journaling, because I knew that was one way that I am able to release negativity. And during some journaling I realized that I have always placed my trust in people. I looked to people to be my source, instead of the one who made me – God. So, what is a source you may ask, and I would say that is a great questions. Per the Merriam-Webster dictionary a source is something (or someone) with a generative force (cause), a point of origin or procurement (beginning), one that initiates (author, prototype, or model), one that supplies information. Now with the definition of the source listed and we are all on the same page, I can move on with my story. I trusted people so easily; people where my source. I looked to people to provide for me, to encourage me, to support me, to comfort me, to love unconditionally. But oh how wrong I was, well, let me explain.

My story starts like some many other people’s story, with my mother. Please don’t mistake it, my mother was a great mother and I know she loved me deeply. She was there for me and she did the best she could do, and I love her for that. But she was not my true source. In the natural one would say that your parents are your source, but they would be wrong. God is the one who made us all and it is He that supplies all of our needs. But as a child my mother was my source. My mother was my world, my everything. She was my mother, best friend, comforter, counselor, and god. All I wanted to do was make her happy. And then one day she tells me that she diagnosed with colorectal cancer. My superwoman was not so super and that made me so mad. When I was 24/25 years old she passed away and I was devastated. After my mother’s funeral I questioned God (because I was so angry and hurt) – why did this happen to me? Why did I have to lose my everything, my best friend, my world? Who would I be able to talk to now? Who would love me now? And it was during this time when God told me that He was my one true source. He was the one that would provide me with everything and all that I needed, not my mother. My mother was just a vessel that he used to provide for me, but He was, is, and will always be my only source.

After this situation, I thought I learned my lesson, but I was wrong. Because even though God told me that He was my one true source, I still did not have that truth in my heart. So, I fell back into my old ways- I starting looking to people as my source. I started seeking my identity from this world. I wanted people to love me, but the next lesson that took place was so great that the pain I experienced from the next situations almost broke me. And who knew that I would find myself in situations involving two people that I cared so deeply about, my husband and a friend of 18+ years.

The friend of 18+ years met my mother, and my mother really liked her. She liked that my friend had a strong personality, and she had a sense of who she was. My friend of 18+ years was there when my mother passed away, she was there when I got married, and she was there when I gave birth to my son. So, this person was someone that was very close to me, and someone that I trusted with my life.  I wanted to be just like this person. So, I tried to deny who was I naturally because she would say that some of the characteristics that I possessed were weak or crazy. I found myself always seeking her out for advice on almost every situation in my life. I took what she said to heart because I never that she would or could hurt me. Again I was wrong for putting that type of responsibility on a person because that responsibility belongs to God and God alone. If you all read my pervious article post, The Journey, you all know that this friend of 18+ years informed me that she felt that I never was a good friend to her and that I was not holding up my end of our business agreement and that because of me the business was failing; and she felt that we should part ways. I lost yet another person that I was close to, as well as a business. And again I was looking to God and asking why? Why is this happening to me? The feelings that I was feeling was angry, sadness, and betrayal. But I didn’t understand fully why this was happening to me.  Depression tried to creep in on me, but God….

The third, and most horrific situation that I encountered (and the most difficult for me to share) was finding out that my husband of 7 years was unfaithful, and that the affair lasted for about 1 year.  When I found out that my husband was being unfaithful I was devastated to my core. My heart was completely shattered and all I could think about was how could this happen and why did this happen? The reason that I was asking those questions was because I felt like I changed who I was for my husband. Some of the things that I liked to do I stopped doing because my husband thought that those actions/behaviors  were that of a weak person. And I found myself feeling like I am not enough and that I needed to change in order for a person to like me. Yet again, I was putting faith in a person. Not smart at all.  After much prayer, I decided to stay with my husband and fight for my marriage (and my husband also wanted to make every attempts to change, grow, and make our relationship work). I hope that you all will respect my decision, but continue to read the story to try to understand how I found myself in the same situation but with a different person.  Sooooooo, let’s continue with the story.

After the third situation occurred, I had to take a step back and figure out what was really wrong, because the common denominator in all of the situations is me. I had to realize that all of the people in my story were not and are not bad people, I just did not have the knowledge that I needed to walk in the image that I was made in and truly aware of who my source was. Genesis 1:27 tells me that I am made in the image of God. Which means that my personalize (those so called weak characteristics) was made by God, and it is prefect just the way it is. Jeremiah 17:5, 7 tells me that if I trust in man that I will be cursed, but trusting in God will bring blessings to me. Again, another truth that I didn’t know. And finally, Philippians 4:19 tells me that God is my source and He will meet all of my needs according to His riches in glory through Christ Jesus. All of my needs also includes my emotional and mental needs.

God is truly my one and only source for everything, and I should have been looking to Him for validation instead of people. This is the truth that God wanted me to know whole heartily from day one. But it has taken me 40 years, lost, and a lot of hurt and pain to learn it and know it. Now I can honestly say that I truly believe that God is my source for everything, and when I find myself troubled I go to the word of God to get the answer. I no longer look to people to give me answers or validate me. Today I must say I am stronger than I was last year, and the more word I get into my spirit that better prepared I will be for tough times.

Well, that’s my story thus far because I am still moving through this journey called life. I haven’t fully healed but now I can say that I am on the right track. And the one who made me is the one that will continue to provide for me. The one thing that I really wanted to convey to you all is that in order to be a whole individual (not looking to others for anything) you must spend time with the one that made you, you MUST spend time with the Creator of it all God. God is our source, He gave us life and He will provide us with everything that we need to live this life. He is The Source….

Scriptures to meditate on to Know Who You Are:

Genesis 1:27 (NIV): So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV): For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Philippians 4:19 (KJV): But my God shall supply all your needs according ti his riches in glory by Christ Jesue.

2 Corinthians 5:21 (NIV): Go made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

John 10:34 (NIV): Jesus answered them, ” Is it not written in your law, I have said you are ‘gods’?”

Thank you all for taking the time to read my article and I  hope that I have been able to help someone by sharing my story.  I encourage you  all to also share with the Tribe a big mistake that you made but that mistake taught you a valuable lesson. Your story can also help others and by sharing you open your self up to healing. Also, click on JAccessories and check out all of the accessories that I am currently selling through this blog site. Half of all proceeds from a purchase made goes to cancer research, so I am encouraging you to make a purchase.  Please follow me on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. Until next time please remember that Life Is But A Journey….

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