Insecurity: What, Why, and How?

Welcome back guys. And so the journey of self growth and acceptance continues. I am so happy to have you guys return to share in this journey that is called life. You all know that we are all connect in more ways than one, and for that reason  I will continue to share my story with you guys. Because it is important  that we all know that we are not alone, everyone of us goes through good and bad times, and it is those experiences that shapes our journey. And with that being said, let me introduce to you all a topic that so many people (including myself) go through at one point in their life – insecurity. In this post I want to explain what insecurity is, why people experience insecurity, and how can we overcome insecurity. Now let’s dive in….
There are so many people that find themselves at different moments in their life feeling insecure about different areas or subjects in their life. Even though they may be felling this way, they may not fully understand it. You all know that I believe that it is very important that we have a clear understanding of what is going on in our life because that is the only way that change is possible. During my research on the topic of insecurity I learned so much about insecurity and how it affects people.  I discovered that insecure people are people who will most often become those around them. They are like chameleons in social situations, adapting to their surroundings to try and fit in better. They do not feel comfortable being themselves, so they will try to become someone else. The dictionary has so many definitions for the word insecure, but it boils down to not feeling confident in yourself or a situation that you are in. It means doubting yourself and your abilities, not believing you are capable of doing something. Being insecure means feeling anxious and fearful about yourself or something in your life. The feeling of insecurity can cause you to do stupid things that can ultimately hold you back in life. Insecurity will always start as thought in the person’s mind that turns into the feeling of insecure. This is a good thing to know because that means that if the thoughts are changed then the feelings will change, and being insecure can be overcome.
Lately have have been doing some self reflection and become more aware of my feelings, and as I look back over my life, I realized that I have always been an insecure person. I have always been the person trying to change to fit in, to be liked by the people around me, liked by the people I cared about the most. Realizing this about myself made mad sad, and then mad because I limited myself so much. However, because of my self reflection, understand who I am, and taking accountability for all of my decisions that I made I have been able to forgive myself for allowing fear to set into my spirit. Let me explain…

I remember the first time that insecurity showed up in my life, but at the time I really did not know what it was, I just felt that I had to be someone different based on the situation. I think I was maybe in the 6th or 7th grade when my mom let my sister and I go visit our father in North Carolina. We spent a few weeks of the summer with him, and I was so happy. During the trip we got to meet our father’s girlfriend. While on the trip I remember my daddy just bragging about how smart I was, and that I was such a good girl. It was during this trip I actually started to think that if I was perfect (perfect to a person’s standards) that the person would accept me. I wanted my daddy to live with me, my sister, and my mom; I wanted a “real family”, so I thought that I could make that happen by being smart and good enough. But my daddy never came back to live with us and I thought that it was all my fault. I thought it was all my fault because I was not good enough. I told my mother about how I was feeling, and she tried to explain to me that the situation had nothing to do with me and my sister, and that it was not my fault that my daddy wasn’t there with us. However, I didn’t believe her, and thus entered the spirit of fear (insecurity).  From then on I begin to try to be the person that so many different people wanted me to be because I never felt like I was enough. I never really learned how to accept myself fully, because I always tried to change for people that I cared about hoping that they would like and love me.

The next major experience that I can remember that opened the door to insecurity was at the hands on my mother. She was the toughest woman that I knew, and I am now realizing that was just not the case, but during my childhood she seemed so strong. However, my personality was quite different then my mother’s because I was more sensitive to the world around me. I wanted to help everyone and everything, and my mom quickly shattered that dream for me by telling me that my personality was one of weakness and that I needed to be stronger. Because I knew how my mom felt  about my personality (that it was weak) I would do my best not to cry around her – not to be weak. Again, me not being who I am to please another person and that only brought on more insecurity. I really didn’t trust a lot of my choices, I would always seek out my mother’s advice on important life decisions or shall I say seek out her approval.  I didn’t feel like what I wanted was good enough, I felt that I wasn’t good enough. I constantly compared myself to her, because she was my example of strength. There were so many things that I wanted to try but I didn’t because I thought my mom would say that I was weak. And when I did try to do different things I would also think of my mom and I wondered what she would think of me.

As you all can see, from early on in my life I have always tried to please people, and because of my insecurities I did not become fully aware of what I actually liked. I allowed my insecurities to hold me back from doing a lot of things, as well as from liking myself. Throughout my life I have always tried to change who I was innately to please other people. I have changed my clothes, hair, and even some belief based off of my insecurities in an effort to please other people. And the only thing that I have gotten from that was nothing. In the end I have lost friends and myself, and it all stemmed from insecurities.

I know most of you might be thinking what made you realize that things needed to change, and the answer to this question is twofold – my son and some major devastating situations. When people say that everything changes when you have children, they are right. I see a lot of myself in him, including how he  tries to please people instead of just being who he is. I want him to learn who he is, be who he is (who God created him to be),  and love himself. However, I can’t help him to love himself  if I don’t have self esteem, confidence, and self love to give him. I want him to know that he is enough. I want him to be able to trust his choices. I want him to love himself. So, how do I do that if I don’t think I am enough? And the second thing that made me realize that I needed to change for real was when the two people that I thought  would always have my back betrayed me, I had to figure out why.  And the answer that God gave me was take a look in the mirror who do you see, and I saw me. I am the answer to the question. Therefore, I had to start looking within myself and making some real changes within myself to create the life that I have always wanted, and be unapologetic about it. 

So, I started my work. I began asking myself some really tough questions and when the answers to those questions began to come to me, I would feel the pain, shame, and hopeless that the answer brought. But I needed to do this because I had to know that I could feel all those feelings and be okay. I had to learn how to trust me to take care of me. Before, I would have just tried to stop the emotion from coming, and just keep on pushing. Because actually feeling the pain, shame, and hopeless I thought made me weak. But that is a lie that I was told, and that behavior will just lead to more insecurities and less trusting of myself. The start of my healing process began with me realizing that God is My real source of everything. I realized that I have to look to God for everything and not people. I then begin to understand that my insecurities was creating a life that I did not like. I was creating a life (based off of lies) that was leading me to a place that God did not promise me. Because of my insecurities I really did not love myself, but then again I did not know myself so how could I love myself. But the beginning of real change for anyone starts with seeking God, accepting His love into your heart, and forgiveness.

There are so many experiences, issues, circumstances, or offenses that we as people internalize, and that is when insecurities form. These hidden insecurities (hidden beliefs) will proceed to take over our lives and cause us to feel a certain way, which in turn creates a life that will constantly validate our insecurities. And the cycle will continue until we become aware of these insecurities (spirits of fear/lies) and heal them.

So, how does one go about healing those insecurities? Great question and the answer is to:

  1. Seek God and trust Him to meet your deepest needs. Our deepest needs are acceptance, identity, security, and purpose. When we look to people to meet these needs for us that is when we will being to try to be what people say we should be. People can never meet those needs for us only God can, and will if we seek Him. We must constantly seek God about these needs and trust what God says about us is true – because it is true. God created us all so He knows you better than your earthly parents, and He was the first one to show you true unconditional love.
  2. Begin to think for yourself. Start making your own choices about your life. When you start to buy into what other people believe, you will begin to compare yourself to that person’s belief. Comparing yourself  against another person will cause you to feel insure about yourself. Remember, you are made in the image of God and He only made one you. He made you with the mind of Christ, which means that you are able to make your own judgement calls about your life, and stand by those choices until God tells you otherwise.
  3. Begin to take care of your health. Being unhealthy is easy, but it takes effort to be healthy, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Having a poor body image can bring on feelings of being unworthy, which will cause you to be insecure. Start addressing your unhealthy habits and thoughts that are affecting your overall health in a negative way. When you start taking care of your health, you will start to feel better about yourself.
  4. Begin to do things that you LOVE. Doing things  to make other people happy, but don’t make you happy can cause you to lose who you are, thus making you feel insecure and less confident with yourself. Doing things that you truly love and avoiding things that you hate can help you feel better about yourself.The more positive and joyous you feel on a moment to moment basis, the more secure and confident you will feel about yourself, your decisions in life, and your future. Always do what feels good and brings your spirit peace and joy. Work towards being happy in all areas of your life.

Like I stated earlier, you have to seek God first in order to start the healing process, so I thought I should share some scriptures that I have meditated on that have helped me to realize that I AM ENOUGH:

  • Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV): For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not evil, to give you an expected end.
  • Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV): “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
  • 2 Corinthians 10:12 (NIV): We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.
  • 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (KJV): For though we walk in the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God and bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
  • Romans 12:2 (KJV): And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God.

To sum it all up, insecurities are feelings that start as a thought in our minds which create a world of doubt and fear in ourselves. We can overcome insecurities by changing what we think of ourselves, which takes work. 

After reading this post and if find yourself relating to any part of this post and you want overcoming your insecurities but you need help starting the process, I want to help you!

Contact me now at jeaninesmith2016@gmail.com (in the subject section type I Want To Learn More About The Journey Program) to learn about my one-on-one coaching program and how this system can help you increase your confidence, self esteem, and obtain inner peace so you can create the life you want. Begin your journey together, contact me today to learn more…  

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